it's been a long time coming

from the heart of a child

where do i start.
i've always felt like an outsider in my family. my parents have been divorced pretty much ever since i was born. the custody battle went on for over ten years, most of which i endured even though i was under the age of ten. my mother is currently pretty much deemed mentally ill. i can't visit her because when i do she won't listen to what i have to say. she won't accept the money that i rightfully hers. my brother's don't want much to do with her and i feel like i'm the only one that loves her. i get regular calls from the place she is staying telling me to come visit. i want to, but the heartache i felt last time i was there prevents me from being able to drive the hour and a half to go see her.
i hate feeling sorry for myself, i hate that whoever might be reading this doesn't care, and if you do you won't realise that any of this is going on in my life because i wouldn't tell you.
i hate to burden people with my problems. i don't even tell my brothers when i visit my mum. i can't talk about it to my dad, for he and my mum don't even speak, nor have they for the past 8 years.
the only person who would know any of this is ben - and although i love him to no end i hate crying to him because ultimately he can't do anything except tell me that he loves me and to hang in there.
i'm so sick of hanging in there. i don't want this responsibility. i don't want to feel like i'm a bad daughter because i can't bear to see my mum in the state where i don't even recognise her anymore.
i hate living at home most of the time, because it's not a home, not for me anyways. i live with my dad and his 'new' family. my stepmum used to be so kind and i was on the verge of being able to call her my mother. then things changed, and now it's like all i am is a burden. my dad doesn't even notice the way she looks at me, or the way she makes me feel when i've done something wrong. i'm still a child don't you realise! can't you leave me alone instead of making me feel like i'm the biggest idiot in the world when the washing machine pipe comes unplugged by accident, or when i buy groceries and then forget to eat them.
do you not realise how much i try and help out? if u say jump, i say how high but then i come back down and u say not high enough. it's not even what you say, it's how you say it. it's how you don't even look me in the eyes when you speak to me. it's how you go out for dinner with your family friends and say i can have toast for dinner. my dad has to sneak me ten bucks so i can buy myself something decent. how can u be so controlling yet put on facad like you care?? HOW!
all this pent up anger kills me inside, and the only thing i can do now to feel like i have any control is to write away my feelings so i don't turn around and gauge your eyes out.
i don't even know what to say anymore, and i'm sure any of you who read this are shocked, especially the cousins.
what can i say other than what i've already said? all in can wish for now is some financial stability so i can buy my own apartment and live my own life - without fear of it not being good enough.
i might be your stepdaughter but you sure don't treat me like one sometimes.